The defensive person feels threatened by what you're saying. Their defenses go up: excuses, deflection, minimizing, counter-accusations. They're not necessarily bad people; they're protecting their ego or position. Your job is to get past the wall without making it higher.
How to Recognize This Type
- "That's not my fault" or blame-shifting
- Bringing up unrelated past issues as deflection
- Minimizing the problem ("It's not that big a deal")
- Getting quiet or shutting down
- Counter-attacking ("Well, you do X too")
Where You'll Encounter Them
- Employees receiving critical feedback
- Partners confronted about behavior
- Friends called out on something hurtful
- Anyone feeling attacked or judged
What to Practice
- Staying calm when they deflect
- Focusing on specific behaviors, not character
- Avoiding blame language that triggers more defense
- Persistent but patient follow-through
Tips for Success
Lower the threat. Make it about the issue, not about them being bad.
Use 'I' statements about impact, not 'you' accusations
Acknowledge any valid points they make before returning to yours
Give them a face-saving way to change
Practice with This Personality Type
Build your skills handling the defensive reactors in a safe environment.
Start Practicing